Silent Whispers
by Miss-Savvi
Summary: No one deserves to feel so much pain for so long a time, and no one deserves the nightmares that we've endured. It's finally time for all of this to end. I'm sorry, Jizabel. It was never meant to hurt this much.  Cassian/Jizabel
1. Chapter 1

**Warning: Contains major spoilers.  
Do not read if you have not finished book 8 of Godchild **

_All of my memories keep you near, in silent moments, imagine you'd be here  
All of my memories keep you near, in silent whispers, silent tears_

I guess I should start by saying I'm sorry. Sorry to you and sorry to me. I'm sorry for the life you had to live and for the life I am ending tonight. No one deserves to feel so much pain for so long a time, and no one deserves the nightmares that we've endured. It's finally time for all of this to end. I'm sorry, Jizabel. It was never meant to hurt this much.

The London skyline lies stretched beneath the tips of my toes. Tower Bridge…barely two years old and lord knows how many people have jumped off of it into the angry river below. Chalk one more up for the count. It's funny…London, I mean. Once a beacon to so many from far away, but up close? Well up close it's hell on earth. I was never meant to belong here. Just another lost soul I guess, looking for fairness in a corrupt world.

I close my eyes and breathe in the smog of an early winter. If I don't die tonight, it's not like I have a place to stay anyway. Besides…it's better this way. By the time they find me it'll just be another body to clean up. Skin rotted away, features rendered undistinguishable…it'll be like I never existed. Just like you. Only a gravestone to mark where you rest. No family to visit you. Only me. I'm sorry, doctor, but living in this world has become too much to handle without you. I blame myself for what happened.

And if I didn't blame myself…well you still would. God, I've lost track of the number of nights spent awake hoping, praying to actually sleep. That scene replays itself over and over again in my dreams. The bullet, and the taste of bile in my mouth when I see it strike its unintended target. The sound of cracking bones as you fall to the ground. The sight of fresh blood stigmatizing the white of your shirt. The feel of your fragile body as you take your last breaths, and the smell of that same blood as it spills from your neck. Again and again and again. Fuck all…no one should have to live through that nightmare even once.

A pebble slips off the edge. I lose sight of it in the Thames. It's not like death scares me…not anymore. It's actually quite welcoming by now. Like a single ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. It promises that no matter how much pain I've had to endure, and no matter how much suffering you had to go through, that there is an end. There is an end to it all.

One step forward. Then another. I can already feel my centre of gravity closer to the edge than it is to safety. I spread my arms, almost feeling the softness of your skin on my fingertips. What I wouldn't give to simply brush your hand again, even if it's only for a moment. Falling will be just like flying…at least until I hit the water. Strange, isn't it? I'm actually longing for that pain in the end. If it's just a fraction of the suffering that you'd gone through in your life…then at least I can share in it.

Just one more step, if even that. That's all it's going to take. One step to cross the boundaries between this world and the next. Even if I am going to hell…well, a hell that I don't believe in. Then again, what with the organisation and all, I guess I'm obliged to believe in just about anything. Your words echo in my ears,

"Your curiosity will one day be the death of you, Cassian."

I have to laugh, because it's so true. Maybe not in the way that you intended, but true nonetheless. See, I am curious. It's something I've always cursed. I was curious about DELILAH, so I joined. I was curious about taking a job as your assistant, so I did. And I was curious about you…still am. That's one thing that was never satisfied though. I poured out my life story to you, never asking anything in return. Secretly I hoped that this would break down your walls. By telling you about my life, I wanted to know about yours. I wanted us to feel the same pain, the same sorrow—loss. That was foolish of me.

I was so damn curious that in a way I died for you. Couldn't let Cassandra kill you before I had proved myself worthy of your trust, could I? But really…that's not it at all. I couldn't let him kill you because…because…I lick my lips, testing the words on my tongued. I couldn't let him kill you because I love you. I couldn't imagine a life without you, so I let him take mine instead.

And it is in this moment that I realize something; I can't die yet. No. Not until you know how feel. I can't believe how bloody stupid I am. Throwing myself off of a bridge as though it might solve everything. In a day or two, it will, but not now, not in this moment. Not until I tell you…even if you can't hear me, I need to tell you. Even if you didn't care when you were alive…maybe you will now that you're gone.

I stumble backward, climbing down from the place I'd had my mind set on killing myself on mere moments ago. Part of me prays that I'll slip and fall without time for second thought. My fingers tighten around the ledge, refusing to allow such a thing to happen. I risk a glance backward. The Thames seems to lash out at me, angry that its latest victim has changed his mind. For a moment I think that I'm smiling. Irony is one of those things that always got to me.

It briefly crosses my mind that someone could have been watching my entire charade, wondering what in all hell I was doing up there. It's not as though they'd care, though. After all, I'm just another ghost of the city. A shadow blending in. Best no one ever knows my name.

It disgusts me. Watching as they pass by, happy, carefree. Families singing carols in the slums of the city. They think their words can spread "cheer" or "hope". All the people writhing in the veins of London need is money for another drink. Words. Song. Nothing can bring them salvation now. The lot would rather drown themselves in alcohol, than be told that there is some "God" out there watching over them. I shove past all of them, paying little mind as to apologies for doing so.

I know where I'm going. That's what scares me. I know exactly where my feet will carry me, whether I want them to or not. My heart twists in my chest, so much so that I almost need to stop and regain myself…but no…I have to keep walking. I have to end this. I have to see you just one more time.

_Together in all these memories I see your smile  
All of the memories I hold dear  
Darling you know I'll love you until the end of time _

* * *

Author's Note: I would just like to start by saying- Oh my goodness! I have not posted anything for Cassian or Jizabel in over 6 months...since before I went to London! Not to mention that I need to update my stories terribly. I hope this shameless angst makes up for having not done so in such a long time...people probably do not even remember who I am. The lyric at the beginning and end of the story are from the song "Memories" by Within Temptation. They're a very Godchild-esque band.

_A shout out to my lovely Sorryll, whom I am looking forward to seeing again next summer. Chalk this one up for the Jizabel/Cassian invasion sweetie._


	2. Chapter 2

_I can't run anymore, I fall before you  
Here I am, I have nothing left  
Though I've tried to forget, you're all that I am  
__Take me home, I'm through fighting it_

I lose track of how long I've been walking. All I really know is that buildings slowly fade away into the distance, trees gradually taking their place. You'd love it here. Well, you would if you were alive…Guess it doesn't really matter. Still… I sigh, flicking my glance ahead after nearly tripping over a fallen tree…I chose this place because I knew there's nowhere you'd rather be.

There is no name on the grave. No dates. Nothing to say that there is nothing but earth beneath the angelic statue. But that doesn't matter. Obviously the world never cared enough to know your name, but whatever… At least you're at peace.

A few animals scurry out of the way as I approach. My shoes are soaked through, but I hardly notice. I don't think I can feel my fingers either, but that's hardly worry now. Snow has fallen, almost enough to completely cover the statue where you lie. I stare, willing myself to move, but I can't.

Has it only been 6 months? I seem to lose track of the days without you. I almost have to wonder what you look like…has the blood dried? No. That's sick. I can't think about that. I don't _want _to know if you look like little more than a skeleton now. But…god I miss seeing your face. I can almost imagine your smile, the soft sun glistening in your eyes. There's no light here now.

Somehow my feet begin to move. A single step turns into two, then three…Until I'm standing just in front of the statue. It's stone eyes glare at me…no…_through_ me it seems. It's as though it's reading my soul, judging every wrong deed and broken promise I have to my name. Then again, I guess that's all I really was to you—a broken promise.

I don't recall exactly when it was…sometime between the first time I saw bloodstains on your clothes, and the first time I saw _him _lay eyes on you…but it was then that I decided something—I _would _be the one to save you. Whether you asked me to or not.

So I followed you, showing up in the moments you needed me and hiding in the shadows when you didn't. Time and time again you pushed me away, but time and time again I came back. For anyone else the way I acted would have been humiliating but to me…What can I say, doctor…I did what I had to do. I swallow hard, trying my best to forget that night, but the memories force their way into my brain.

It was after you'd been punished. _Of course _it was after that…the man certainly seemed to have a sense of timing, choosing you when you were most vulnerable. But that night I wouldn't let him. I stood outside the door, guarding it with my life. I could hear his laughter from down the hall, the click of his shoes seemed loud enough to break glass against the silence. I drove my teeth into my lower lip as he stopped outside your door, bemusement plastered to his features. He asked to get by, I said no. He threatened to go to the Cardmaster if I did not let him see his "toy"…god that word makes me sick still…I told him to take me instead.

And he did.

I don't think you ever knew about that night. About the burns around my wrists from the ropes, or about every cruel word that passed his lips as he invaded me. I shudder. I can still feel his breath, hot against my neck. Still hear gasps of pleasure from him, and cries of pain from myself. The whole time…I could only imagine how many times the same thing had happened to you, and you had never said a word. For all the times you kept this nightmare hidden, the least I could do was endure it once.

But thoughts of Cassandra leave my head as I continue to stand. Here I am, yet I can't think of anything to say. The words that had been plaguing my thoughts the entire walk here have gone, leaving silence in their wake. Tears prickle the backs of my eyes, but I can't even bring myself to cry.

"Why?" my voice bubbles out in a tremor. I don't even know what I'm asking. "Why?" what? Why am I here? Why are you dead? …Why can't I find the goddamn courage to say anything? I don't even know.

"Jizabel…" the name is a whisper, but it's enough to send every word on my tongue spilling out.

"Why did you leave me here?" I scream, hands balling up into fists. I can't feel my fingernails dig into my palms until I notice their jagged edges drawing blood from the moon-shaped indents. It doesn't matter though. All the pain in the world can't stop me from speaking now.

"Why the _fuck _did you leave me here alone? You fucking coward!" Guilt shoots through my veins. These aren't the words I want to say…they're not coming out right at all.

"Do you know how many times I try to sleep at night, only to lose you over and over again? Why are you doing this to me, Jizabel? Why the _hell _are you doing this!" the angel statue continues to stare at me with its dead gaze.

"Why don't you show yourself, huh? Why do you only haunt me in my dreams!"

My throat is raw, knotted and choked with tears. I can't scream anymore, so I whisper,

"Tell me what I'm supposed to do without you, Jizabel…" I feel like a fool for waiting for a reply from the wind. "Tell me how I'm supposed to live…because I'm sick of trying."

Silence responds, broken only by the eerie swaying of tree branches. The sun has long since disappeared, leaving me in darkness, waiting on top of your grave in the snow. My tears have frozen to my cheeks, soaking through the fake scars on my face. I slowly peel them off, along with my hat and gloves.

"Please…if you can hear me...I love you…" the words leave my lips tingling in their presence, and I get the sudden urge to look in front of me. That in some miracle, some impossibility you'll be there.

And you are.

_I give up  
__You're my only strength  
__Without you I can't go on  
__Anymore, ever again _

Author's note-Well...here's part two of three. Not much else I can say, other than that I really want to give poor Cass a hug right now. Sorry for putting him through such hell. The lyrics at the beginning and end are from the song "October" by Evanescence.


End file.
